All posts by lexmckinney

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #7 Climb A Mountain

Climb A Mountain

mountain climbing

What it Entails:

Step 1: The hubris to assume that a non-sentient conglomeration of rock, dirt, snow and trees cares what you do.
Step 2: A willingness to be cold and live in uncomfortable conditions.
Step 3: The ability to convince others that accompanying you is a good idea.
Step 4: Choose a mountain.
Step 5: Don’t be a pansy, choose a bigger mountain. That’s right, you’re making a statement.
Step 6: Climb the mountain.

Note: Step 6 is said to be complicated, especially if you executed Step 5 with panache.

1. If you’re doing this in style the Sherpa will carry your things.
2. You’re on top of the world. Good job. Now climb back down.
3. Consistently terrible cell phone reception.

1. Must either carry your own things, or associate with a Sherpa.
2. Trolls are mythical, none will appear to eat any companions who end up being annoying.
3. Utter lack of foie gras on both ascent and descent.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #6 Skydiving


Go Skydiving

What it Entails:

Suspending all logical judgment and jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

It’s true, some skydiving institutions have lesser quality planes… this still doesn’t excuse jumping out of them.

Past that questionable choice you may spend time watching the ground come up fast and (optionally) wetting yourself. Congratulations, you could have taken a bath and watched Google Earth. No, no, I’m sure you’re right, this is better.

Oh, and then there’s the parachute. Who packed that thing? Are you sure it’s going to open? Yeah you’re right. Why worry? It’s not like a mistake will have any serious consequences…

1. If this is a hobby your family will thank you for it, and take out a life insurance policy on you.
2. Wonderfully alone while in the air.
3. One of the few to take the advice of The Steve Miller Band and actually flying like an eagle.

1. Your chute might open.
2. People will want to talk to you about the experience.
3. Empty realisation that you’ve accomplished nothing beyond glorified falling.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #5 Sailing


SailingWhat it Entails:
Choosing to remove your feet from dry land and entrust yourself to a man-made vessel in the hopes that you won’t drown.

Oh, and the boat is powered by the wind. You know, that stuff hurricanes are made from. Brilliant.

Now that you’re seated in your seatbelt-free, ocean treading, hurricane powered device, sit back, kick up your feet and relax.

1. Might fall overboard and be eaten by a shark.
2. Sun burns. They give your pictures an exciting and authentic look.
3. Piracy. I enjoy the outfits and the flag, but the swords are pretty fantastic too.

1. Reefs. Global warming is failing to exterminate them fast enough to make navigating easy. Also, reefs have angry older brothers called rocks.
2. Salt. Free salt. Everywhere. Sure, you can sail on a lake, but where’s your sense of adventure?
3. Scurvy. Back when sailing was serious men lost their teeth. You’re not doing it right if you don’t lose yours.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #4 Painting!


What it Entails:
Dig deep within your soul and find a hitherto unsuspected love of paint fumes. Learn to love how they life you up and carry you to far away places with pink bunny rabbits. Paint every day hunting for lift from the fumes. Discard the silly concept of painting on canvas. These things are not for you, no! You needed a large mural, a wall. Discover the joy of painting graffiti. Spend hours creating complex love letters to your spray cans. Get caught, resist arrest, go to jail.

During your incarceration rise to the top of the social pyramid of your prison. Develop a network of people both inside and outside who can use to acquire more spray paint. Continue working on your art in your cell. Should your cellmate complain stare him down until you’ve mastered “Crazy eyes.”

Upon your release take advantage of your newfound criminal empire to ignore any need for a day job and instead return to graffiti. Should you be hassled again, use your underworld ties to manipulate the system.

1. Learn to paint.
2. Create criminal network.
3. Lower cost of utilities while incarcerated.

1. Must go to jail.
2. Spray paint can be expensive.
3. You may not look good in orange.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #3 Teach Your Friends How to Cook!

Teach Your Friends How to Cook!

What it Entails:
By this point in time you’ve learned how to cook and mastered the art of acquiring the kitchen tools you need from those around you. It is essential that you have several good recipes that make use of esoteric cooking items. I recommend an industrial raclette grill, a wood-fired pizza oven and a candy thermometer. These are all items that will not be found in your average friend’s kitchen.

Teach your friends how to make exquisite dishes with them. Raclette, pizza, and candies or deep fried goodness. Lace these dishes with intense quantities of caffeine to get them addicted. Stop making them.

Let the agony build in your friends until they need these dishes again. Let them come over and cook them for you. Every fifth dish or so secretly spike it with that caffeine that they so crave.

1. Now you have kitchen minions!
2. More time to go back to theft and skulking, darks hobbies that you are now addicted to from your time left learning how to cook.
3. No more grocery bills as your friends bring over ingredients.

1. Must teach friends how to cook.
2. Must spend time with people.
3. Criminal enterprises at risk of discovery due to extra human contact.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #2 Cooking

Learn to Cook!

What it Entails:

Cooking good food at home can be expensive. There several factors to consider, the new pots and pans or other esoteric items that you might want, I’m still looking for a “Danish Dough Whisk.” Then there are the recipe books, you can of course use a recipe off of the internet, but it’s not as fun. Then there are the ingredients. Quality food requires quality ingredients.

Assuming you live on a budge how do you afford all of this? Theft. Almost all of us have a black shirt, black pants and black shoes. If you’re lucky you also have a black mask. If not you’ll need to “Procure one.”

Theft is itself an art, which will require that you improve your physical fitness and learn how to move silently. There are other lesser skills that would serve you well in this new endeavor, lock picking and surveillance come to mind. It may be worthwhile to enroll in a course to get your private investigator’s license to help with these worthy goals.

1. Learn the fine art of theft.
2. Better food at home!
3. Your friends (if you have any) will get fatter, and as humans measure they’re happiness through the misery of others, as they get fatter, you get happier. Everyone wins, or at least you do.

1. You may get fatter due to the succulent food that now graces your table.
2. You may feel obligated to feed others, lessening your social isolation.
3. Possible significant financial outlay for the cost of a private investigator’s course.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #1 Take Up Hiking


What It Entails:
Hiking is an activity that is inviting to the non-hiker. All you need to get started are a set of new boots, hiking sunglasses, emergency safety kit, tradition Irish walking staff/club, pepper spray, collection of knives, portable water purification system and a compass. Once you’ve picked these items you can conquer trails in your vicinity.

1. Exercise
2. Depending on your skill with your pepper spray or knives you may end up as lunch for a prowling grizzly or mountain lion, ending your existence
3. Hiking can be solitary, avoiding the need for person to person contact

1. Equipment can be expensive
2. People may want to come with you, resulting in dreaded person to person contact
3. Lack of sanitary washrooms with delightful hand creams, similarly recent reports indicate a total lack of butler service