Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #31 Feed a Crocodile

Crocodiles jump to eat chicken bones tied to a rope during a tourist feeding session at a crocodile farm in the Thai resort city of Pattaya

What it Entails:

You’ve already made your way to Australia to feed the koalas, and it has gone badly. You need a way to explain your injuries. That’s when it comes to you. Feed the crocodiles.

If somehow you’re not clear on what a saltwater crocodile is, it’s a 14-17 foot long apex predator that weighs in at 880-2,200 lbs, and is so dangerous and successful that it can afford to spend most of its time napping in the sun.

Your plan is to claim that the wounds from your koala mauling is the result of interaction with these goliath badboys.

To make your story credible, after all the devil is in the details, you’re going to need to go on a guided tour of a croc facility, and under supervision of multiple handlers, you’ll participate in the feeding of a large and scaly predator.

Unfortunately, that won’t get you injured. These people are professionals. Luckily, you were feeding a koala, so you’re already covered in gaping wounds, and none of your friends back home know the difference between koala vs. crocodile injuries. You’re going to lie.

Pros:
1. Much, much better explanation for the source of your scars.
2. You can take in the other attractions found nearby, like holding a baby croc and debating whether to release it, or turn it into a handbag.
3. If any of the professional handlers are missing any body parts, hands, feet, fingers, nose, ears, whatever, you’ll know to wait for a different “Professional” to oversee your time with the beast.

Cons:
1. After your recent, and savage experiences at the paws of a koala, you might be terrified of the crocodile. Don’t worry, it’s just as scared of you. Haha, no, no, just kidding, it really isn’t. That thing can eat you.
2. If you want your story to be really convincing for your friends, you’re going to need to bribe the Australian newspapers to run a fake article on the event… So you can add bribery fraud to the list of black marks against your soul.
3. You’re still going to be covered in koala-scars. A shame that you will carry to your grave.

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