Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #33 Get a Body Modification

body modification

What it Entails:

Take a look at your body. A long hard look. Realize that you’re not happy with it.

Is it because you’ve watched tv?

No.

Is it because the magazines tell you that you’re not good enough?

No.

There is a different path ahead of you. The simple alterations seen in our culture aren’t enough, pierced ears, small tattoos. You laugh at their lack of ambition.

You’re fascinated by eyeball jewelry, tongue splitting, branding, ear shaping, extreme flesh tunnels, tooth filing, and subdermal implants. Maybe you want to look like your spirit animal, which happens to be a snake. Maybe you want to look like an elf from Lord of the Rings. Maybe you want to have horns. Whatever the case you wanted a unique look, and now you can have it.

Pros:
1. Everyone wants to be unique.
2. Discover that beauty really is just skin deep.
3. Instant access pass to a club of people who are rebels against society, just like you.

Cons:
1. May not seem like such a good idea once you come down from your high.
2. Much easier to pick out of a lineup.
3. Never worry about Halloween again.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #32 Adopt an Animal

adopt an animal - 3

What it Entails:

Giving an organization money so that they can provide a better habitat or living environment for an animal, or some variation of a pack of animals. In exchange for your contribution to society you get some nice photos. Look! It’s Wendy, that tiger you’re saving. Bad news folks, lots of people are saving Wendy. She isn’t real.

It’s a sad truth; there are no tigers named Wendy. You’re not helping any animals. It’s all a scam. Give up now. There is in fact no way to help the planet. We’re all doomed.

Pros:
1. Keep hiding behind that warm fuzzy feeling that “Everything is going to be okay.”
2. Heartwarming photos.
3. Tax breaks.

Cons:
1. Failing to make a difference.
2. You’re lining the pockets of grifters.
3. Wendy hates you.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #31 Feed a Crocodile

Crocodiles jump to eat chicken bones tied to a rope during a tourist feeding session at a crocodile farm in the Thai resort city of Pattaya

What it Entails:

You’ve already made your way to Australia to feed the koalas, and it has gone badly. You need a way to explain your injuries. That’s when it comes to you. Feed the crocodiles.

If somehow you’re not clear on what a saltwater crocodile is, it’s a 14-17 foot long apex predator that weighs in at 880-2,200 lbs, and is so dangerous and successful that it can afford to spend most of its time napping in the sun.

Your plan is to claim that the wounds from your koala mauling is the result of interaction with these goliath badboys.

To make your story credible, after all the devil is in the details, you’re going to need to go on a guided tour of a croc facility, and under supervision of multiple handlers, you’ll participate in the feeding of a large and scaly predator.

Unfortunately, that won’t get you injured. These people are professionals. Luckily, you were feeding a koala, so you’re already covered in gaping wounds, and none of your friends back home know the difference between koala vs. crocodile injuries. You’re going to lie.

Pros:
1. Much, much better explanation for the source of your scars.
2. You can take in the other attractions found nearby, like holding a baby croc and debating whether to release it, or turn it into a handbag.
3. If any of the professional handlers are missing any body parts, hands, feet, fingers, nose, ears, whatever, you’ll know to wait for a different “Professional” to oversee your time with the beast.

Cons:
1. After your recent, and savage experiences at the paws of a koala, you might be terrified of the crocodile. Don’t worry, it’s just as scared of you. Haha, no, no, just kidding, it really isn’t. That thing can eat you.
2. If you want your story to be really convincing for your friends, you’re going to need to bribe the Australian newspapers to run a fake article on the event… So you can add bribery fraud to the list of black marks against your soul.
3. You’re still going to be covered in koala-scars. A shame that you will carry to your grave.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #30 Found a Cult

Found a Cult

found a cult

What it Entails:

Find a group of easily-manipulable people. Create bonds between them. Make them need you.

In order to succeed at this you must discard such flimsy concepts as “Morals” or “Right and Wrong.” Embrace the egomania. Thrive on it. Convince your followers of the rightness of your purpose.

Get a little weird. Create rules that make no sense. Do this for your own amusement. “Yes, everyone must wear woad and only woad on Tuesdays. Why? Don’t question me! Where is your woad? Where is your woad?!?”

Pros:
1. Free labour.
2. Unquestioning obedience.
3. Escape from the boundaries of normal society.

Cons:
1. Might go to jail.
2. Human contact.
3. Risk of a coup.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #29 Go Whale Watching

Go Whale Watching

whale watching

What it Entails:

Sit in a boat, wait for a large aquatic mammal to appear.

Maybe take photos of passing birds as you wait?

Really that’s about it.

Okay, there might be the thrill of fear that comes from knowing that the whale could capsize your little boat, and that you could be lost to the cold dark waters of the unforgiving ocean… but all things considered after a few hours of shivering boredom, you may view that as more of a perk.

Pros:
1. Opportunity to ride in a zodiac.
2. Check one more item off of that bucket list.
3. Small, but real, chance of death.

Cons:
1. It’s cold.
2. It’s wet.
3. It’s miserable.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #28 Take Up Heavy Drinking

Take Up Heavy Drinking

take up heavy drinking

What it Entails:

There’s a point in the evening where alcohol helps. It relaxes you a little, makes it easier to talk to other people. Social lubricant they call it.

You’re aiming to go way past that. Way, way past that.

If you remember any part of the night you’ve failed. At the most you’re looking for a series of mental snapshots:
A haze of smoky air over a tray of empty shot glasses.
A vision of the floor coming up to catch you.
The back of the police cruiser.

You know, the highlights.

Pros:
1. Known as “The fun guy at the party,” at least until people figure out that you aren’t.
2. You’ve found a use for all that extra money in your bank account. What a relief.
3. People will talk about you. A lot.

Cons:
1. Enhanced chance of making bad decisions.
2. You forget what it feels like to enjoy a morning, any morning.
3. You’ll probably be part of some hilarious hijinks, you just won’t remember any of them.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #27 Create Your Own Cocktail

Create Your Own Cocktail

cocktails
What it Entails:

Step One:

You need to love alcohol, hate alcohol, or be low on items in your home bar.

Step Two:

Find ingredients.

Step Three:

Combine ingredients.

If you love alcohol you’re going to try to combine flavours to enhance your favorite beverage. If you hate alcohol you’ll do anything to conceal the flavours of what you’re creating, because you just want to get wasted. If your home bar is low on stock, that’s pretty much the only explanation for why you just made a rum and coke and red wine. It was probably made with cheap red wine.

Step Four:

Regardless of quality, convince yourself that you have just made the best drink of all time.

Step Five:

Force this gastronomic wunderkind / horror on your friends.

Pros:
1. Can turn alcoholism into a socially acceptable hobby.
2. An excuse to buy/steal interesting and exotic bar ingredients.
3. Obscure sense of pride in having created something new.

Cons:
1. Very good chance that your cocktail isn’t actually something new, it was just so bad that no-one else ever thought to make it twice.
2. Must develop a blatant disregard for the feedback coming from one’s own taste buds.
3. Are there fruits and umbrellas involved? Welcome to your coming extra-strength hangover.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #26 Take Up Stunt Driving

Take Up Stunt Driving

Mini Cooper

What it Entails:

Well, that depends, is this a hobby or a career? Nevermind, it’s not a career. Why not? You’re just not going to be that good.

I can feel your doubt. Easy there, you probably have trouble parallel parking.

You’re still going to make a run at this aren’t you? Fine. What you want is to learn how to move a car at high speed in any direction (yes, including sideways, it’s called “Drifting”), and avoid walls, other cars and any hard surfaces. Expect your insurance premiums to go up.

This hobby will eat most of your disposable income, your savings, and probably put you into debt as you shell out your cash in exchange for replacement car parts.

Pros:
1. You might make it big and be the stunt driver in a movie, or a TV commercial. Just like what’s his name, or, no. Sorry, making it big won’t make you famous.
2. Reduced risk of experiencing the horrors and indignities of old age.
3. Undeniably cool when you pull off a trick.

Cons:
1. Undeniably expensive when you screw up a trick.
2. Despite your newfound financial ruin, people will be interested in this hobby when you bring it up at social gatherings, well, they will if you’re doing it in an impressive car… Which you probably aren’t.
3. You’re helping to fund big oil. You just hate the planet don’t you?