Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #37 Learn to Pick Locks

Lock-Picking-tutorial

What it Entails:

Pressure under fire. Sure you could take a course, or practice in your own home, but that’s not fun, that’s not impressive. You need to go big. You need to be bold.

Go to seedy dive bars. Meet seedy people. Join their crew. After multiple nights of ill-advised boasting, find yourself with a set of lock picks in your hands, a door in front of you and a cadre of eager criminals crouched behind you ready to rampage through a building. Security guards optional.

Pros:
1. Potential to enrich oneself.
2. Get to outrun a security guard.
3. You’ll make new friends.

Cons:
1. They aren’t good friends.
2. Once you’ve picked the lock your “Friends” may well view you as expendable.
3. Potential gateway to a life of crime.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #36 Build an Environmentally Friendly Tiny Home

Tiny-Home-Frank-Henderson-and-Paul-Schultz-14

What it Entails:

Decide that the planet is more important than your comfort. This is admirable.

Take the baffling next step of acting on this decision. Sell your home. Research. Endless hours of research. So many decisions choices that you weren’t even aware of. Should you build it yourself? Should you build it on wheels? Should you use pre-made plans or go the custom route? Should you buy a used trailer?

It’s about now that you realize that selling your home was a mistake.

Pros:
1. If it’s on wheels, you can take your home anywhere.
2. Lack of property tax.
3. So, so, so much less space to clean.

Cons:
1. Dawning realization that the planet isn’t more important than your comfort.
2. Lack of privacy. Your home is now so small that you can’t even escape yourself.
3. So much body odor, so little space.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #35 Binge Watch TV

netflix-red

What it Entails:

Give in to the red devil commonly known as “Netflix.”

It’s Friday night, you could have made plans, you could have seen friends, you could have done… something.

Instead, it’s 8pm, you just finished eating your take out food and you’ve settled down on the couch in front of the TV with a gallon-sized container of ice cream and a spoon. If this is date night with yourself, you may even have a stick of cookie dough in your freehand.

Allow your eyes to glaze a little as you burn your way past the hour of midnight and through season finale after season finale.

Pros:
1. You understand every conversation about TV shows at any given social gathering.
2. You can do this in your pajamas.
3. House of Cards.

Cons:
1. Necessitates investing in a high quality couch.
2. Watching TV shows may inspire you to discuss TV shows with others, or engage in social activities, this is to be avoided at all costs.
3. You’re going to have to go out to get a few more sticks of cookie dough.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #34 Save the Pandas

panda eating bamboo

What it Entails:

Let us first consider what a panda is. A panda is a bear that measures 4-6 feet at the shoulder and is classified as a carnivore. Despite this pandas choose to eat bamboo, a food almost devoid of nutritional value. As a result of this, the majestic black and white beast you see pictured to the left needs to eat 20-30 lbs of food each and every day, and as a consequence, defecates up to 40 times every 24 hours. Lovely.

So, Save the Pandas… Seems like the Pandas have given up on life, hope and survival on a species-wide level. Wouldn’t it be more respectful to let them march quietly into the night?

Pros:
1. Cutest large predator in existence.
2. Should pandas ever become plentiful fewer people will be offended by that nifty panda skin rug that you want for your den.
3. Yet another way for humanity to assert dominance over an animal species.

Cons:
1. The species has actively been trying to go extinct since it took on its near pure vegetarian diet.
2. One more dangerous creature left for children’s storybooks to inaccurately depict as friendly and harmless.
3. Some poor zoo handler has to pick up after them…

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #33 Get a Body Modification

body modification

What it Entails:

Take a look at your body. A long hard look. Realize that you’re not happy with it.

Is it because you’ve watched tv?

No.

Is it because the magazines tell you that you’re not good enough?

No.

There is a different path ahead of you. The simple alterations seen in our culture aren’t enough, pierced ears, small tattoos. You laugh at their lack of ambition.

You’re fascinated by eyeball jewelry, tongue splitting, branding, ear shaping, extreme flesh tunnels, tooth filing, and subdermal implants. Maybe you want to look like your spirit animal, which happens to be a snake. Maybe you want to look like an elf from Lord of the Rings. Maybe you want to have horns. Whatever the case you wanted a unique look, and now you can have it.

Pros:
1. Everyone wants to be unique.
2. Discover that beauty really is just skin deep.
3. Instant access pass to a club of people who are rebels against society, just like you.

Cons:
1. May not seem like such a good idea once you come down from your high.
2. Much easier to pick out of a lineup.
3. Never worry about Halloween again.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #32 Adopt an Animal

adopt an animal - 3

What it Entails:

Giving an organization money so that they can provide a better habitat or living environment for an animal, or some variation of a pack of animals. In exchange for your contribution to society you get some nice photos. Look! It’s Wendy, that tiger you’re saving. Bad news folks, lots of people are saving Wendy. She isn’t real.

It’s a sad truth; there are no tigers named Wendy. You’re not helping any animals. It’s all a scam. Give up now. There is in fact no way to help the planet. We’re all doomed.

Pros:
1. Keep hiding behind that warm fuzzy feeling that “Everything is going to be okay.”
2. Heartwarming photos.
3. Tax breaks.

Cons:
1. Failing to make a difference.
2. You’re lining the pockets of grifters.
3. Wendy hates you.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #31 Feed a Crocodile

Crocodiles jump to eat chicken bones tied to a rope during a tourist feeding session at a crocodile farm in the Thai resort city of Pattaya

What it Entails:

You’ve already made your way to Australia to feed the koalas, and it has gone badly. You need a way to explain your injuries. That’s when it comes to you. Feed the crocodiles.

If somehow you’re not clear on what a saltwater crocodile is, it’s a 14-17 foot long apex predator that weighs in at 880-2,200 lbs, and is so dangerous and successful that it can afford to spend most of its time napping in the sun.

Your plan is to claim that the wounds from your koala mauling is the result of interaction with these goliath badboys.

To make your story credible, after all the devil is in the details, you’re going to need to go on a guided tour of a croc facility, and under supervision of multiple handlers, you’ll participate in the feeding of a large and scaly predator.

Unfortunately, that won’t get you injured. These people are professionals. Luckily, you were feeding a koala, so you’re already covered in gaping wounds, and none of your friends back home know the difference between koala vs. crocodile injuries. You’re going to lie.

Pros:
1. Much, much better explanation for the source of your scars.
2. You can take in the other attractions found nearby, like holding a baby croc and debating whether to release it, or turn it into a handbag.
3. If any of the professional handlers are missing any body parts, hands, feet, fingers, nose, ears, whatever, you’ll know to wait for a different “Professional” to oversee your time with the beast.

Cons:
1. After your recent, and savage experiences at the paws of a koala, you might be terrified of the crocodile. Don’t worry, it’s just as scared of you. Haha, no, no, just kidding, it really isn’t. That thing can eat you.
2. If you want your story to be really convincing for your friends, you’re going to need to bribe the Australian newspapers to run a fake article on the event… So you can add bribery fraud to the list of black marks against your soul.
3. You’re still going to be covered in koala-scars. A shame that you will carry to your grave.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #30 Found a Cult

Found a Cult

found a cult

What it Entails:

Find a group of easily-manipulable people. Create bonds between them. Make them need you.

In order to succeed at this you must discard such flimsy concepts as “Morals” or “Right and Wrong.” Embrace the egomania. Thrive on it. Convince your followers of the rightness of your purpose.

Get a little weird. Create rules that make no sense. Do this for your own amusement. “Yes, everyone must wear woad and only woad on Tuesdays. Why? Don’t question me! Where is your woad? Where is your woad?!?”

Pros:
1. Free labour.
2. Unquestioning obedience.
3. Escape from the boundaries of normal society.

Cons:
1. Might go to jail.
2. Human contact.
3. Risk of a coup.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #29 Go Whale Watching

Go Whale Watching

whale watching

What it Entails:

Sit in a boat, wait for a large aquatic mammal to appear.

Maybe take photos of passing birds as you wait?

Really that’s about it.

Okay, there might be the thrill of fear that comes from knowing that the whale could capsize your little boat, and that you could be lost to the cold dark waters of the unforgiving ocean… but all things considered after a few hours of shivering boredom, you may view that as more of a perk.

Pros:
1. Opportunity to ride in a zodiac.
2. Check one more item off of that bucket list.
3. Small, but real, chance of death.

Cons:
1. It’s cold.
2. It’s wet.
3. It’s miserable.

Good and Bad, Mostly Bad, Ways to Fill Your Empty Soul: #28 Take Up Heavy Drinking

Take Up Heavy Drinking

take up heavy drinking

What it Entails:

There’s a point in the evening where alcohol helps. It relaxes you a little, makes it easier to talk to other people. Social lubricant they call it.

You’re aiming to go way past that. Way, way past that.

If you remember any part of the night you’ve failed. At the most you’re looking for a series of mental snapshots:
A haze of smoky air over a tray of empty shot glasses.
A vision of the floor coming up to catch you.
The back of the police cruiser.

You know, the highlights.

Pros:
1. Known as “The fun guy at the party,” at least until people figure out that you aren’t.
2. You’ve found a use for all that extra money in your bank account. What a relief.
3. People will talk about you. A lot.

Cons:
1. Enhanced chance of making bad decisions.
2. You forget what it feels like to enjoy a morning, any morning.
3. You’ll probably be part of some hilarious hijinks, you just won’t remember any of them.